His Touch Burns
by brianneinlove
Summary: Mal misses Zoe so much and as of today he would do anything for her! MF Chap 4 Mals point of view
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the characters, they are all Joss'. I don't get anything but happiness and reviews for my effort (I hope) Major BDM spoilers! Please don't read if you don't want to know.

Time has not eased my pain, I thought I could move on with my life after a year, but it has not happened yet. I still smell him everywhere I go. I had to change crew quarters to an empty one just to sleep at night and even then I would wake in a cold sweat and could swear I could feel his arms around me. I have become numb to my emotions; it is the only way I could keep flying with this ship and its crew. Don't get me wrong their all shinny and the best crew in the verse when it comes to doing their jobs, but none of them could replace my husband.

"Was one year today?" Cap'n's voice was quiet, and I could have blessed him for it. "You'll be want'n to go to the grave?"

"Nope I good cap'n" I was lying to him and he knew it I had not been good since the day we buried him. "I don't need his grave to remind me of 'im" that was true but that was 'cause I see him everywhere in this gorram ship still.

"What's' the next job?" I needed work to get me through this day, or so I thought. I had not thought about him this much in a while.

"We's headed to one of the core worlds not quite sure what one but Inara needs to get to a client and see'n as we are not wanted by the alliance anymore and all I figured we'd take her. Expecting she will fill in the blanks when we get a might closer."

He still hates that job o' hers; they are long over they gave it a go for awhile after the Miranda issue but he cant get past her job and she cant neither.

"We got work there also?" I raised my eyebrow in a way that told him it was a long flight for us to make just for her.

"None she needs hear 'bout" he smiled at me I was know'n not think this was all about her, very few things were.

"Anything I need worry about or are we doin it legit?" I was smiling, hopen we was doing something we was'ent suppose to do cause all this legit work was maken me all most as itchy as Jayne seemed.

"I will tell you more later I'm not want'n Inara hear she'd be more pissed then when River hid Vera from Jayne" He grinned as big as I had ever seen him then his eyes went all contemplative. "Ok I think she'd be a might madder"

"Ok cap'n" I walked passed him and in to the kitchen and sat down quietly at the table I did not want to talk to anyone but I knew that was not going to happen, Kaylee was in the kitchen cook'n she looked worried as I knew everyone would be "I'm ok Kaylee" I said as soft as I could hope'n to put her mind at ease.

"Its just, well, it being a year and all?" she was tyrin to help but it was just making me upset. So I gave her the look that said not to push it.

I got up and wandered to the cockpit where I knew no one would be, I did this a lot shortly after it happened; he was here for me at least for a while. Now he was almost gone from here. I closed my eyes and just let the feel of the ship sink in to me. That is where he found me…

TBC

…. Well it may be that I need a beta seeing as I don't have one, but I hope you all like it. I hope to write a short 2nd chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

His touch was a gentle as it has always been; he just touched my shoulder at first, I had felt a touch at all in almost a year. I could not stand to be touched after I lost him. "Are you ok?" was all he asked, but it was all I needed I lost my cool compositor. I was not ok I was alone Oh god so alone!

I had given myself to my husband 'until death do us part' and although he had gone first I meant to keep that vow. But the hand on my shoulder was going to push me to breaking that vow and yet the owner had no clue what he was doing to me; I wanted to feel again, I don't know if Wash would understand but I needed this.

His hand was strong, yet caring I pulled it closer to me and the man it belonged to. I had known him for so long yet I did not know him like this, I was not sure our friendship would have survived this. I did not care I needed it, I needed him. I pulled him close to me and wept for the loss I had not wept for in so long. I was always the strong one on the crew the one everyone turned to, and yet I could not share with them my pain it was too privet.

I pulled him to in front of where I was sitting and I laid my head against his waist. I cried for what seemed like hours and yet all he did was stroke my head, and comfort me. "it will be alright we will get through this" his words were kind and soft. I wept so hard my body shook and I fell from the chair.

He picked me up from the floor of the cockpit; I had not been aware he was this strong, and yet the proof, like his arms, were all around me. He carried me to my bed and laid me down. "Don't worry you will be ok I will sit with you till the morning" he was again talking softly.

I was still crying when I felt him remove my boots and guns. I let him I had no will to argue any longer, and he was the safest person in the verse for me to be here with in this state. I would have died for him, and I had many times killed for him, it was not a love but it was, we had built so much trust it went beyond love it was loyalty.

Me and Mal had been through a hell that many in the verse had never imagined, and we come out the other side alive and mostly sane. He was my husband's best man and my cap'an. I would have done anything to ease his pains and he would have done the same for me. It was an unspoken loyalty, but I needed more from him now.

I needed him to help me feel again, I needed his touch to burn for me; to remind me I was a woman and not just a dead man walking. For a year I had wondered around in a haze doing my daily routine but I could not feel anything, no happiness, no sorrow and no love.

As he laid the covers over me in the bed I kissed him, I was not sure how he would respond, but I had to I needed this; I just hoped he could understand.

There was fear in his eyes at first but he returned my kiss, and I knew what the fear was.

He did not want to do this, but would do whatever I needed, all he said was "you sure 'bout this?" he was looking out for me, and Wash. I know he was afraid of getting in to the bed I had shared with my husband. He did not want disrespect what Wash and me had. "yes" was all I said I gave him a look that told him this was something I had to do.

We had never had sex before but I needed so much to be loved at this moment. I feared what being alone would do to my mind, and so I pulled him closer to me in the bed and he gave in to my needs, for that I was thankful.

We spent the night doing things that would have rocked the starts, and as the morning came and he dressed and left my bunk he kissed me on the forehead.

I will not regret the time I shared with him and I can still feel his gentle touch late at night when I am alone in my bunk, it was Malcolm Reynolds who showed me what it meant to be loved, when I was not able to love myself.

We never talk about that night and no one knows but us. I was an unspoken loyalty that allowed us to share a touch that burned.

FIN

OK well that is the end I hope you like Please Review let me know what you think. Again it is not betaed, but I don't have one as of yet so I am sorry if there are issues feel free to let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own anything they are all Joss' so please don't sue me I don't have anything!

Well it has been a year since his death and I have not looked for a new pilot I could not imagine seeing someone in his chair. I could not stand to see the look on her face if she were to see someone replacing him not that anyone verse could even come close.

She thinks I don't see her sitting up late in the cockpit. She has become numb and her eyes are empty.

I miss her smile not that she did that much but hay when she did it lit up the room.

I wanted to, many times, hold her to comfort her but I never saw a tear, or heard a sob. She did not break down; I could only go on the way we had for years nothing changing. She painted a brave face for all of us but I could see the cracks.

"Was one year today?" I was as quiet as I could be. I just wanted to help anyway I could "You'll be want'n to go to the grave?"

"Nope I good cap'n" she was lying to me and I knew it she had not been good since the day we buried him. "I don't need his grave to remind me of 'im" I let her get away with that shying away from me but only for now and only cause it was Zoe.

"What's' the next job?" I could see she needed something like work to help her to keep her cool compositor. These days where getting harder and harder on her.

"We's headed to one of the core worlds not quite sure what one but Inara needs to get to a client, and see'n as we are not wanted by the alliance anymore and all I figured we'd take her. Expecting she will fill in the blanks when we get a might closer."

I don't wanta to talk about Inara or her Gorram job. I hate that stupid job but she needs to hold onto it. She is a whore for the love of God, but it's her life and in there ain't room for me or love.

"We got work there also?" I knew Zoe would see that I would never make a run that far outa our way just for Inara.

"None she needs hear 'bout" I smiled at her I didn't her to think this was all about inara, very few things were anymore.

"Anything I need worry about or are we doin it legit?" she was smiling I missed that smile even if it was empty, I know she hopen we was doing something we was'ent suppose to. Hell we all were hopen the same damn thing.

"I will tell you more later I'm not want'n Inara hear she'd be more pissed then when River hid Vera from Jayne" I grinned as big as I ever had. Well wait Janye was mad but if Inara knew what I was up to… "Ok I think she'd be a might madder"

"Ok cap'n" she looked at me and my goofy grin and pushed passed me in to the kitchen oh well I had to keep trying. After all this was Zoe and she deserved all I could do for her.

I knew she would spend the night in the cockpit and I had things to prepare if this job was going to go well… ok I had lots to do if this job was a go at all. I will check on her later, after all this is the day she lost him.

TBC…

Well this was floating around in my poor head bare with me becasue I still don't have a Beta. please Review!


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you all for reviewing I am sorry that it has taken this long to finish this bit of fiction I have had a lot of bad luck. But now I am, I am doing fine and can finish what I started I hope you all enjoy it.

I found her sitting in his chair, she was cryin', I wanted to turn and leave her to her peace, but also wanted her to know should she need me I was here. I was not sure how to comfort her, seein as she was the one usually doing that on the ship. I decied the army way was best, and I would just pat her shoulder and be on my way.

I don't think I was ever so wrong in my think'n in my life!

"Are you ok?" I did as I planed to I gently patted her shoulder and then the tears came flowing as if I had turned on a shower. I was not sure what I did but it seemed to make it worse! Now I was in for it.

I was stuck in this awkward position of holding her shoulder and comforting her, yet not want'n to intrude so I just stood there.

I wish Wash was here this is so his job, but no he had to go and die and leave me with a broken Zoe that no one in the verse could fix 'cept him.

I'll just stand here and wait tell she stops cryin this is Zoe she never cries for long... come to think of it she does't cried at all. I just kept patting hoping this would end. This was not my strong suit helping hurt feelings; speicaly Zoe's.

Then came real fear she grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to the chair. Her hand was soft yet demanding. I wanted to pull away but I gave in to her pull with no resistance. She had been there for me and now it was my turn to do the same. she pulled me closer to her head and leaned on my hips with her face.

I looked down in to her eyes they bloodshot and still wet. I could see she needed something I was not sure I could give but I was going to try.

She was the strongest of us all she was the one who always picked up our bits when we lost it, and here she was leaning on my waist crying her heart out.

It tore me to bits seeing her like this. I wanted to make it stop, to help her so I ran my hand over her head and spoke softly to her "it'll be alright, we'll get through this"

Her body started to shake harder and tears came faster I was guessing that was the wrong thing to say. Damn it to hell why was I bad at this! Ithe only thing that I could I just kept quite and stoked her hair softly.

I took a step back from her to look at her to say something else, that is when she fell from the chair to the floor.

I picked her up from the floor of the cockpit; she was a lot lighter then I though she'd be Zoe was always a solid woman. I carried her to her bed and laid her down. "Don't worry you will be ok. I will sit with you till the morning" I tried again talking softly again 'please let this work'. It seemed to, she was quieting down.

She was still cryin a bit when removed her boots and stuff. I was amazed she let me touch her this way; it was as if she had lost the will to argue. She knew I was the safest person in the verse to watch over her in this state, and I would have sat there watching her till hell froze over if,n she needed me to.

I had done many things in my life and been with many women but she was the one that got away. Our relation was never like that, not from lack of trying but she was not wantin it so it never happened. She would always say what we had was deeper then love or lust so why spoil it with either.

Zoe and I had been through the special kinda hell that peacher was always yappin 'bout and come out ok, but tonight I could not help but think that I was meant to be else where. This was Wash's place and his wife. God I hope he forgives me.

I wanted to be her rock; keep her here in this reality with me so she would still have her dignity when this was over. It was the way she looked at me that said we was about to 'spoil things' as she would put it.

I was not going to say no, she needed me for this and I was going to do all with in my power to help her.

Perhaps this would bring the light back to her eyes, the fire to her soul. I know I am not the only one who sees these things missing from her; she is in a haze just like a walking corpse. I just want my Zoe back.

I pulled the covers over her in their bed and bent down to speak to her softly again and that is when she kissed me, this was a passionate kiss one that said she was burning up inside with a need that only another person could fill. I didn't know how to respond, or what to feel I know that it ignited a flame in my soul.

After the kiss I was fearful. I had wanted her in the past; long ago and not while she was vulnerable. She seemed to want me but was it really what she wanted or was it her grief? I did not want to do this, at least not like this. I feared what it would mean for us.

Most of all I did not, in any way, want to disrespect Wash or her memory of him. In the end I did not want her like this but I could tell she needed to feel this. "You sure 'bout this?" If she was sure then I would relent to her.

"Yes" was all she said she gave him a look that told me this was something she had to do.

I removed my boots and climbed into bed with her, she was soft and caring but more determined then I had ever seen her. This was going to be a night I would not forget.

I wanted her to feel wanted and so I took my time. I gave to her all I had, and used every trick I knew woman liked. I needed her to feel all the love I was able to poor into her, to fill her heart. A heart that was left empty when she lost him.

In the end I gave into her every push and pull, every demand she put on my body. We did things that night that would make a whore blush and then some.

When the morning came I gently climbed out of bed and dressed she was not asleep but laying quietly. I kissed her one last time on the forehead and left their bunk.

I will not regret the time I shared with her and I can still feel hungry kiss burning against my lips at night when I am alone in my bunk.

Zoe seemed like herself after that night the fire returned to her eyes and there was that spring in her step. She knew I would always love her; Not as Wash had but in my own way.

We've not talked about that night I would never tell a soul. It was an unspoken loyalty that allowed us to share a kiss that burned.

FIN- for real this time!

Well there you have it, All done so please review you little hearts out. I do not plan on writing more on this story but may write a sequel later. I have enjoyed all the reviews so far, a constructive review is just a good as a great review. They make us better writers in the end!


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